my naked heart

My hair is still coming out in alarming amounts and continues to become thinner and thinner. I praise the Lord so much that it's curly so it is easy to hide to the common eye. I offer every clump to the Lord and thank Him for the hair that is still left, but I am at a hard point right now...not knowing what's wrong with me. I try to keep busy b/c when I sit or slow down the fatigue is overwhelming. My body is clinging to the extra weight and no matter how perfect my diet is it won't let go. Surges and cramps of pain are an every present feeling in my muscles. My skin continues to produce patches of breakouts...honestly, I am not much better, not really improving.

I have decided that I can't afford this physician any longer due to the lack of improvement. It feels like yet another disappointment and hopeless attempt to gain some headway. Really I am simply in the heart of trying to accept that I am not normal and may never be, and without any reasons or answers.

I don't have the time or space to grieve the reality that I am a "sick" person. I hate hate being associated with that group...and have lived in denial for so long.

My heart is so grateful for this gift of affliction that draws me to my savior daily. I live in gratitude but there is also the side of pain, sadness, fear, loss...grief.

I am in the process of seeking reconciliation of who I am if I never get better, and perhaps even get worse. It is something that brings some of the deepest fear I have ever faced...

I pray that I would rejoice in the Lord and somehow accept what it is I am suppose to, and to know God's heart for me in this. That I would not ever make health or the desire for restoration an idol but to be wholly joyful in Christ no matter what my today and tomorrow may hold. As a song says, "I will praise Him in the storm" and another "every blessing I'll turn back to praise, when the darkness sets in still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be His name..."

some recent photos

I enjoyed an evening in community this night, where the Lord spoke to my heart. He beckoned me to come drink of the living water not of this world, to see more then my own image and to grab a hold of Him.

I am given random tiny glimpses of some sort of work being done in my life, in my heart. I am not allowed to see anything distinct or much of a picture to make sense of, only the tiniest portion, enough to excite and draw me nearer to Jesus. Will I trust and step out more and more, believing that even if my worst earthly fears come to be, that my God is near and in control and it...is...good. Will I cling to Him alone and not to any other thought, passion, desire, person, idea or possession that threatens to reside as number one in my heart? Is He alone enough? If so will I prove that with my life?

Not by my power but by His strength be the glory. He will complete the good work in which He has begun in me. I will walk, one foot in front of the other and grasp tightly to the tender mighty hand of my Father as He leads the direction of my steps. Walk... yes I will walk.

A relationship of great heartache

It feels like a level of betrayal by my body. After the delightful explosions of flavor leave my pleasure pallet my system signals disapproval. How can that be the case with so many God created forms of sustenance? Shouldn't it be over after 25 years...hasn't my body realized it has been wrong to reject these pleasures, these gifts? Why must I love food so much and be denied the freedom of experiencing joy with these libations and victuals. My relationship with food is tumultuous at best these days. Argh, one day I will be able to dance and play freely in the wonder that is food. Can't wait to get to Heaven to eat, drink and be merry.

check out this link, craye-hey-Zaye....

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.costaricacoffeeart.com/images/coffee_art_gallery.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.costaricacoffeeart.com/&h=400&w=518&sz=26&hl=en&start=16&sig2=vk1uhydtJIyQO3vNGvoqDA&um=1&tbnid=pt7C2Ls3xoEYsM:&tbnh=101&tbnw=131&ei=pUcnR_LtKqH-gQPc_pGyCA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dcoffee%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rls%3Dcom.microsoft:en-us%26sa%3DG

Today the sun is soft peeking its head from behind the neighborhood on Halsey street. It wispers encouragement to my soul, calling me to relationship with beauty and peace. Today belongs the the author of creativity.

Outside of my box

I put God in a tiny area of my mind...His space is too small there. Tonight He showed me a tiny picture of how my box for Him isn't big enough.

I am a skeptic. For God to speak in big uncontrollable ways such as the dangerous and oh-so charismatic "prophecy"...well I highly shy away from believing most claims to having this spiritual gift are valid. However there is a daily email I get at work titled "Spirit of Prophecy" of which I rarely look at to be honest, yet it is usually rather safe not claiming any radical details of prophetic knowledge or foretelling of blind left eyes being healed and such. But tonight I did. For whatever reason I payed attention and the words I read from the week were too much for me to deny...they were direct messages from God in a series so specific and intimate. So I have posted them (who knows they may be for you too).

These words are the sustenance my soul needed. He is always near...my Jesus is always near me. I scarce can imagine if He were not, and because of His great mercy I do not have to.

As far as this relates to informing you of my life...these are the words I needed to hear from God and He spoke... outside of my box.

October 8, 2007:

You have heard it said, My people, that crisis will bring you into divine order, and I say to you that this is truth. When you are in the fire, My glory shall come forth. Have you not heard of the fourth man in the fire? Even in these days I visit you in the fires of tribulation and in the trials of your life. I am bringing you to a place you have never been before, a place beyond where you have ascended to. I am bringing you to a place of glory in My Kingdom, which has yet to be visited by your generation. And, I remind you that you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood. So come without hesitation, and allow the fire to burn, for surely it shall consume the works of the flesh, and what will be left is your spirit shining brightly in the Kingdom of God, doing exploits in His name. These indeed are your best days yet. Arise, and shake off every hindrance. Come before Me in faith,and we will walk together in victory, says the Lord.

October 8, 2007:

Be strong, beloved, and refuse to allow the enemy to single you out and whisper in your ear of your failures and shortcomings. The attack against you will come with singular intensity to make you feel like you are the only one "not getting it."It is designed to paralyze you with condemnation so that you can't hear My voice or the voice of encouragement from those around you. Rise up and shut the door to the accuser of the brethren by not receiving the devil's lies. You can choose to only receive the truth of My word, says the Lord, which will usher you into the realm of supernatural victory. John 8:44b " He (the devil) was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it."

October 9, 2007:

Expect to be stretched as your encounters take you beyond the ordinary. You will need to exercise patience in every situation in order to avoid frustration. I am going to shine a light on attitudes, motives and hidden agendas, which will be valuable in making decisions and will in some instances cause you to make a course correction at this time. Your responses to challenges that you face will be extremely revealing and will be a stage for spiritual growth if you are willing to be honest with yourself. Take advantage of these opportunities to grow in discernment, says the Lord. Luke 21:19 "By your patience possess your souls."

October 10, 2007:

My beloved people, take time to put your issues of life into perspective. As long as you focus on your circumstances and feel like you have been victimized you are living life according to the flesh and not walking in the Spirit. And, that is not a good place to be. You are in training and being trained by the Spirit to exist in the Spirit realm. Refuse to allow the enemy to shift your focus from life in the Kingdom to life in the flesh. It is the difference between life and death, victory and defeat. Look up, says the Lord. Romans 8:5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.

October 11, 2007:

You are about to find out that what you thought would be a quick fix is actually a process. When your quick fix does not work, ask for wisdom and look for alternative ways to accomplish what you need to do. This is no time to give up or get discouraged. As you move through this process you will learn some things that will be very helpful in the days ahead. You will also come to the understanding that My ways are not your ways, and that your methods are inferior to Mine. Yield to this process and keep moving forward. The end will justify the means, says the Lord. Isaiah 55:9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts."

October 12, 2007:

Reflect, rejoice, and return to simple faith. Reawaken that child-like attitude towards Truth. Let My Word become to you again as the sharp sword that separates the soul and the spirit.Many of you, My people, have allowed the complexities of life to spoil your pure, unadulterated commitment to fulfill your destiny in My kingdom. Purpose once again to yield to the moving and working of My Spirit to manifest in, around, and through you without fanfare. Be done with attitudes that are unbecoming to a child of God, that bring disgrace to the Body of Christ. Be merciful, says the Lord. Matthew 5:7 Blessed are the merciful, For they shall obtain mercy.

I awoke too soon, hardly rested...the feeling of nausea and exhaustion my morning greetings. Pleas to my LORD to be my sustenance, strength and joy are my fuel for perseverance.

So how do I subscribe to ya'lls blogs? I think I need a Blogger tutorial...any takers?

He who lives without prayer, he who lives with little prayer, he who seldom reads the Word, and he who seldom looks up to heaven for a fresh influence from on high -he will be the man whose heart will become dry and barren.

-Charles Spurgeon

Walkin

A bit of a recent update on my life. Something that is currently occuping most of my free time outside of work is a Banquet and silent art Auction for a local humanitarian organization. I am apart of the coordinating team for a huge upcoming Event. It's a Fund Raiser for a local non-profit called REACH. It is such a neat experience, which has definitely been exciting. I love being on a team and working for something that has deep meaning and impact on the lives of others. However trying to get donations has proved extremely stressful. I have been asking God to show me what it looks like to trust Him in something that I carry so much responsibility in. I want to seek and trust Him, to know this is HIS event first of all and that He could totally pull this whole thing off without anyone on the team if He so chose. But I also want to be faithful and carry my responsibilities as a high priority. So trusting Him to provide this huge amount of FREE wine and beer is a bit of a struggle. I hate that I struggle with it at all, it should be so easy to trust the God who saved my soul to provide 250 measly bottles of free wine. AH! I aggravate myself....

So life has been utterly insane lately. I have been staying busy, which is great but serves as a threat to my sanity b/c time management and discipline are not naturally strong traits of mine. I try to stay organized, but man it does not come easily! I am looking to move to Portland, but on the amount of money I make it is extremely difficult to find something. I want to live in a Christ following community and spend less then $350 total on rent. So ya...a bit hard. But God knows and I trust He will give that which seems impossible.

Work is a blessing, but I want to find new ways to push myself to improve and excel. I am not sure what that looks like just yet, but in time... It has been more and more beautiful to see God shape my heart and reveal the power of speaking and walking truth. Being able to walk along side woman as their lives are being changed by the healing and redeeming power of God is incredible and definineingly humbling.

I am committed to taking classes and going through exposing sessions to unveil my past issues, pains and resentments, to eliminate negative behavioral patterns and face a future more healthy then generations before me. So in that of course God is taking me through some rough stuff right now that's for sure. Feeling the loss, pain, rejection and loneliness of not having a Father is new and pretty shocking to be honest. I thought I was way OK with my dad leaving. But as a 25 year old woman I need my dad more then ever before. I think a father is key in validating a girls very existence. There is something that doesn't click right when that God intended component is missing. I am learning so much about myself and the drive I have for emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health. It is worth going through the fire to continue the refining. I long to be nothing less the woman God created me to be.

I love that God is tender and loving and kind...what other gods have those characteristics...it is pure beauty and freedom to be HIS, and I long daily to be with Him. I say "COME LORD JESUS, COME!"

restling

My heart aches for the brokenness in my family...my heart doesn't understand why anyone would choose to be out of relationship with our God given companions. Honestly it is a deep pain that causes much inner discord within my soul... Family is everywhere in scripture, in fact it is considered the highest of all created institutions, we are told as believers strangers are made family members and that when we choose Christ we are now HIS family. If in fact family is menial and not to be highly honored and revered, sacred even, then why does the Bible speak of it from Genesis to Revelation...

Sometimes I am angry...but mostly I am hurt. Why don't those that I love so desperately love me in return?

Smell the Roses continued...

More recent photo's....

Smell the Roses

Thankful...so thankful am I as of lately for the tender presence of my Lord. I know Him and seek Him by His grace...and I am being changed.

Life is interesting as always. I am really thankful for the small ways in which God is meeting me and reminding me that He is trust worthy, confirming the places in which He has me. It is such grace for God to prove Himself, so incredibly undeserving for God to prove who He is to us stupid sheep. But He truly is the GOOD SHEPHERD.

Last week in staff meeting we were lead to Mathew 13:54-58 and let go to meditate and pray through this passage for 30min. I have been so impacted by that time and the truths keep coming to me. My heart is convicted especially by verse 58 "And He did not do many mighty works there because of their unbelief." I have been praying for God to reveal the unbelief in my own heart first, then praying for repentance in the hearts of my family, my city and my country. The reality that my/our unbelief can be cause for God not to do mighty works but to move on really scares me. It has been cause for meditation and prayer constantly this week for me. The power that my nonchalant attitude to sin, and to my savior, can have is alarming and deeply convicting. It puts a fervent sense of urgency to repent and have revealed every shred of unbelief within me, so that Christ will stay and do mighty works!

The word of God is utterly refreshing like nothing else in all this world...

Psalm 34

I WILL bless the Lord at all times;

His praise shall continually be in my

mouth.

My soul shall make its boast in the

Lord;

The humble shall hear of it and be glad.

Oh, magnify the Lord with me,

And let us exalt His name together.

I sought the Lord, and He heard me,

And delivered me from all my fears.

They looked to Him and were radiant,

And their faces were not ashamed.

This poor man cried out, and the Lord

heard him,

And saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the Lord encamps all

around those who fear Him,

And delivers them.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is

good;

Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!

There is no want to those who fear

Him.

The young lions lack and suffer hunger;

But those who seek the Lord shall not

lack any good thing.

Come, you children, listen to me;

I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

Who is the man who desires life,

And loves many days, that he may see

good?

Keep your tongue from evil,

And your lips from speaking guile.

Depart from evil, and do good;

Seek peace, and pursue it.

The eyes of the Lord are on the

righteous,

And His ears are open to their cry.

The face of the Lord is against those

who do evil,

To cut off the remembrance of them

from the earth.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord

hears,

And delivers them out of all their

troubles.

The Lord is near to those who have a

broken heart,

And saves such as have a crushed

spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the

righteous,

But the Lord delivers him out of them

all.

He guards all his bones;

Not one of them is broken.

Evil shall slay the wicked,

And those who hate the righteous shall

be condemned.

The Lord redeems the soul of His

servants,

And none of those who trust in Him

shall be condemned.

Fun times doing makeup lately for photo shoots and tv! Not super extensive but still always thankful and wispering praise to Jesus when it turns out. I love it, its really a fun creative thing that I enjoy doing. The opportunities are a gift.

Some pictures...

My 25th birthday breakfest w/ Charis and Ricky.
At the Blue Monk Jazz bar for my 25th!
Later that night at Fernando's salsa club. My amazing pretend little brother who is Saudi Arabian! Abdullah

This is Shafi another Arab friend, he attempted to teach me arabic, oh man...lol, it didn't go well.

nowuh days

Well life has taken massive turns and the Lord has lead me to new places in heart, mind, spirit and body. I am now working!!! Praise the Lord! I work at Shepherds Door, which is the women and children's arm of the Portland Rescue Mission. I am on the pastoral care team. My job is building relationships w/ the women and speaking into their lives while walking with them in their program. After being there I have realized that it is a sort of starting position, and I would like to move up and out of it eventually, according to God's plan alone of course. It is a year live in recovery/transformation program for homeless women coming out of drug and alcohol addictions. It is humbling to be apart of the work that God is doing there. There is a level of intensity and is heavily emotional right now though, causing my body much tiredness. They have me taking classes that rip open my past, heart and character defects. So that has been laden w/ much heartache, but rich fruit as well.

My most thankful transition is the one that has taken place within my heart. God has been kindly and gently bringing my gaze to Him, putting the joy of belonging to Him in my heart. I dance w/ gratitude and delight before my Father. It has been incredible, to feel and see the difference of continual pursuit of His ripe truth and the passion of His heart is penatrating to the core of my very being. Finding myself lost in the heart of God changes knowing ABOUT God to simply and beautifully KNOWING God. There is a HUGE difference! Daily my desire is to be in conversation and communion w/ Him, talking to Jesus is the object of my affections. Yesterday I read Psalm 125:2 which says "As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so God surrounds you, from this day forth and forevermore." that's me, I am the "forevermore"! Man, the Word of God lights my heart...my life, it is wondrous and transforming. My spirit sings as I read the truths and autobiography of my creator.

I am for the first time realizing and confronting the hole in my heart that being fatherless has left. It is painful and vulnerable. But God is really taking me through this intentionally and He continues to talk me through it. It has been a gift so far and I know it will continue to reveal more as time goes on. Addressing these things is a passion of mine. The mind, body, spirit health is vital for growth in my opinion. So as rough as this is, the beauty is limitless, fertile continual sprouting of wild and lush greenery will only spread wildly as I release all things to the working out and healing of Christ.

I suppose that is all for the time being. I really do hope to become more regular w/ this thing...all in time, I guess.

Old about me section

I feel behind. I don't have much of an idea or vision for a life career choice, and have had to stop school and work due to health problems, putting me even futher behind (according to my great reasoning of course ;) ). However I say all this because according to my values I believe that each moment and experience is given by the grace and soveriegnty of God and it's richness and beauty is not to be missed. So my current quest is to keep eye contact w/ my Heavenly Father so that I am fully engaged in our relationship. If my eyes are centered in His they are not on me. There in the comfort of His eye contact, is peace, grace, unconditional love, freedom.
I want to live boldly, passionately, richly, righteoussly...by God's grace it will be true of me some day.
My life has been radically blessed, w/ a plethera of incredible memories, dynamic and unique people, glorious stories shared back and forth, a wealth of investment most definately given to me through those who have come and gone...and those who have stayed.
Thank you Jesus for your gift of Eternal life, it is my breath, there is no me w/out You. Make me love You more each day.

Catch up time

When I started this thing I was all about keeping up on it, but I totally forgot about it! Man that is just like me.

For a bit of a catch up, I am currently working for my Uncle as his office assistant. This came at the perfect time. I needed some cash flow w/ flexibility and this job has provided just that. Although the money is very little it is at least some money! It was also really neat to me that this came along b/c I have been in prayer for my Uncle Kevin for many many years. He is an abusive alcoholic that is full of hate, bitterness and anger. He unleashes the evil of his heart everyday on those nearest to my heart. I have cried and prayed for years that God would redeem this household and take it for Himself.

I believe that the Holy Spirit lives w/in every Christ follower, so according to the Word of God light is within us. I am humbled and excited to be the only light in the darkness of that place. The office/shop teams w/ those captured by the world. It is indeed a dark place, but that is where God shines the brightest! He saves those who are sick not those who are "moral and upstanding" need Him, He goes for the least and most unlikely. How incredibly gracious! I pray truth and light would capture the hearts of every man that comes in and out of that place. I know God is working, and I trust that no matter if I am able to see it or not, it simply is fact.
New on the horizon is a new health practitioner. He does Nutrition Response Testing. My program has me off of ALL grains, ALL forms of sugars(including fruit), soy and corn. I am able to eat only organic meat, dairy and veggies. It has been trying! Even with me being the health nut that I am! But this is my last effort to find help. If this doesn't resolve my health problems, I will submit that it is God's purpose and plan to keep me ill for His glory and my good. This time has caused me to crawl into the heart of God and beg for Him to take over my heart conforming it to His. So many things which I found as part of my identity are taken away, thus leaving me to truly see the treasure of Christ as the object of all my affections. It is challenging me to dig into the truth and wear it as my true identity. I am a daughter of the most High, I am created and bought by the Son, I am free of sin and death, I am alive in Christ, I am righteous according to the life and death of Jesus, I am an heir, I am a servant, I am a new creation...putting on the promises of God. It is still a process and forever will be. However the beauty is that I above all else am in love w/ God, and want ONLY His heart!!! If struggling, being in pain, having a life that is the furthest from what I planned, gets me closer to His heart...I AM ALL ABOUT IT!
That is a bit of me right now. I'll try to be better at posting, lol...I don't even know if anyone reads this, but oh well. It's a good outlet non-the less

My random attempt at poetry

Purposing to be
a distinct
and ever evolving
me.
I fight to free the chains of my first Adam legacy
that attempts to enslave this blooming flower of complexity.
Debris from my iniquities
whirlwind around me,
threatening my sanity.
I prepare to wage war
on the desires of my flesh
which surface;
Consistent,
Suffocating.
Their evil intentions to devour my spirit
eat unremittingly.
Adam scoffs at the New Man,
defaming His imputed character of perfection.
But as I purpose to be
…I stage an intentional reality,
a reminder of truth.
An internal alarm signals
giving warning
of the intensity of the battle
each morning I wake.
I face the war with determination
to rest in imputed righteousness.
Growth teases me with its fertile quintessence,
fueling my willpower for achievement.
I hunger for change and transformation.
Glimpses of my potential
send glitters of illumination
dancing like the reflection of candle light,
on the mirror inside my head.
What I see has arrived
if only I grasp and keep
its radiance of certainty.

So very good to be loved

I love how God shows His love in undeniably profound ways that take me by total surprise. It may sound simple and not profound at all to most, but that's part of the beauty, its so intimate and personal the reality of how much the love of Christ really IS personal and intimate is revealed to just me. It was as basic as finding myself sitting in the Urban Grind as Ron Frost began his 8 week class on the relational reading of the Bible...and then the abundance of God speaking to my heart thundered as if I were in a small raft beneath Niagara Falls. My insides come alive when I am learning about Christ, hearing truth and engaging my heart, mind and spirit toward the understanding of this ginormous, unfathomable amazing and loving God that I belong to. I am so excited to embark on this new adventure of growth. I know He is changing me and tonight I got a taste of that hope for something tangible.

I also am so glad b/c I am seeing God consistently spare me heartache with males. After my long relationship was over, I really engaged in my reality and allowed myself to feel all that I had to in order to heal. God was so present and faithful through that time and He continues that Fatherly care for me in prevention of any relationships that are not intended by Him, even when they are tempting and I long for them as a weak woman so desirous of love. I heard a report from my cousin about a guy that was tempting to me for a while and it was such deep conformation that choosing to fight toward the love of Christ really is the greatest, most fulfilling and romantic love and it will carry me. Some days are really hard, most are not too bad, but it sits deep as a reality that I come from a family of single or poorly loved women. I know that God is taking my fears though...I am holding on to the freedom of His promises and to His hands that hold my tender and frail heart. It is so good to be loved by Jesus.

My first post...

I am new to this. We'll see how it goes, aye?
Life: April 10, 2007

Presently I must admit that I am a complete mess. My pastor might say a "beautiful mess" b/c we are all broken and that is a beautiful thing, for it is then Jesus is displayed in all His glory. I would normally agree, and perhaps I do, but it is a painful place. The honest truth is I feel like I am a never ending mess, always hurting from one thing or another, and maybe that's life when you live engaged in your reality. I attempt to be fully present and invested in my world, which makes it dramatically glorious and equally wretched in waves that are quite unpredictable. I am looking for a job, and trying to rack my brain to figure what career I could possibly envision myself in. Both are combating me w/ a blank empty stare down in which I am easily cowering to my defeat hoping they do not find victory. My grandmother is in a rehab center, not doing too well, with a list 3 and a half feet long, so I would rather not go into detail ;) sparing both me and you. My family seems to be struggling to love each other and stay invested in one another, each hurting and in deep trials. My mother is fighting for joy, and waking each morning to another exhausting day of self sacrifice to the care of others. My health is still in taunting disarray, no answers found. Money to bring much peace of mind is no where to be seen for any of us. I am 25 years old and feel as if I am having to learn who I am for the first time, thus making me feel excessively behind. I feel desperately alone most days, with hardly a friend to share my agony and joys with.
I disclose these generalities only to say to you it is exactly my perfect place to be. I am truly learning the joy of loving and being loved. Really, I am in a place that is beauty...I am being forced to look my Jesus in the eyes and re-engage the relationship I have looked away from. This painful state is one that will lead me to what I desire most, true intimacy with Jesus. It is the beginning...but my vision is starting to clear, and the pain starting to make sense...

i love ellie clark and kids