I am new to this. We'll see how it goes, aye?
Life: April 10, 2007
Presently I must admit that I am a complete mess. My pastor might say a "beautiful mess" b/c we are all broken and that is a beautiful thing, for it is then Jesus is displayed in all His glory. I would normally agree, and perhaps I do, but it is a painful place. The honest truth is I feel like I am a never ending mess, always hurting from one thing or another, and maybe that's life when you live engaged in your reality. I attempt to be fully present and invested in my world, which makes it dramatically glorious and equally wretched in waves that are quite unpredictable. I am looking for a job, and trying to rack my brain to figure what career I could possibly envision myself in. Both are combating me w/ a blank empty stare down in which I am easily cowering to my defeat hoping they do not find victory. My grandmother is in a rehab center, not doing too well, with a list 3 and a half feet long, so I would rather not go into detail ;) sparing both me and you. My family seems to be struggling to love each other and stay invested in one another, each hurting and in deep trials. My mother is fighting for joy, and waking each morning to another exhausting day of self sacrifice to the care of others. My health is still in taunting disarray, no answers found. Money to bring much peace of mind is no where to be seen for any of us. I am 25 years old and feel as if I am having to learn who I am for the first time, thus making me feel excessively behind. I feel desperately alone most days, with hardly a friend to share my agony and joys with.
I disclose these generalities only to say to you it is exactly my perfect place to be. I am truly learning the joy of loving and being loved. Really, I am in a place that is beauty...I am being forced to look my Jesus in the eyes and re-engage the relationship I have looked away from. This painful state is one that will lead me to what I desire most, true intimacy with Jesus. It is the beginning...but my vision is starting to clear, and the pain starting to make sense...
Life: April 10, 2007
Presently I must admit that I am a complete mess. My pastor might say a "beautiful mess" b/c we are all broken and that is a beautiful thing, for it is then Jesus is displayed in all His glory. I would normally agree, and perhaps I do, but it is a painful place. The honest truth is I feel like I am a never ending mess, always hurting from one thing or another, and maybe that's life when you live engaged in your reality. I attempt to be fully present and invested in my world, which makes it dramatically glorious and equally wretched in waves that are quite unpredictable. I am looking for a job, and trying to rack my brain to figure what career I could possibly envision myself in. Both are combating me w/ a blank empty stare down in which I am easily cowering to my defeat hoping they do not find victory. My grandmother is in a rehab center, not doing too well, with a list 3 and a half feet long, so I would rather not go into detail ;) sparing both me and you. My family seems to be struggling to love each other and stay invested in one another, each hurting and in deep trials. My mother is fighting for joy, and waking each morning to another exhausting day of self sacrifice to the care of others. My health is still in taunting disarray, no answers found. Money to bring much peace of mind is no where to be seen for any of us. I am 25 years old and feel as if I am having to learn who I am for the first time, thus making me feel excessively behind. I feel desperately alone most days, with hardly a friend to share my agony and joys with.
I disclose these generalities only to say to you it is exactly my perfect place to be. I am truly learning the joy of loving and being loved. Really, I am in a place that is beauty...I am being forced to look my Jesus in the eyes and re-engage the relationship I have looked away from. This painful state is one that will lead me to what I desire most, true intimacy with Jesus. It is the beginning...but my vision is starting to clear, and the pain starting to make sense...
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