Torture. Self punishment... that has been my last few weeks. I hate it. Yet I stand and look, as if a by stander...I observe the cruelty I am dishing to myself.

Knowing not a soul reads my words here, allows me the freedom to write tonight.

The self hate, loathing and disgust have cloaked me...for a long while. It is true...what I am doing for the time is tormenting myself in a sick way. how closed minded, small minded...selfish. all in all don't i deserve it? Yet starting the First of the new sci-fi age 2011 i am giving and believing in me...more than i have in too long.

i'm scared. i know myself best as failure. to succeed? what is that...? maybe one day i will know. for now...i will sleep.

------surrendering to the elements...------

It hurts

It seems I will never know why people become special to me. And rarely if ever am I so special to another. I feel disposable. Yet, in spite of the pain, I have to be who I know I have been made to be. So I will love, care and speak to each... no matter the voided return...

Twenty Ten is here. Officially 28 years old. Life in a new year! This one is full of questioning, sorting, seeking...healing...

The last few years have held deep love, severe loss, many tears, disappointed hope, lost dreams, new friendships and so much more. I'm looking ahead to what these next days and seasons have in store. One day at a time, a conversation at a time, the next right thing... simplifying in mind, body and spirit. My hope is to center, breathe and move forward.

Kicking off this year with a trip to Belize was a perfect reminder and reviver of my passion and the bare bones of what enlivens my senses. With dreams and memories I am clothed with what I need to continue sorting myself and life out. And for now, thats what I am doing...sorting.