Philothea* lover of God...: September 2007

A bit of a recent update on my life. Something that is currently occuping most of my free time outside of work is a Banquet and silent art Auction for a local humanitarian organization. I am apart of the coordinating team for a huge upcoming Event. It's a Fund Raiser for a local non-profit called REACH. It is such a neat experience, which has definitely been exciting. I love being on a team and working for something that has deep meaning and impact on the lives of others. However trying to get donations has proved extremely stressful. I have been asking God to show me what it looks like to trust Him in something that I carry so much responsibility in. I want to seek and trust Him, to know this is HIS event first of all and that He could totally pull this whole thing off without anyone on the team if He so chose. But I also want to be faithful and carry my responsibilities as a high priority. So trusting Him to provide this huge amount of FREE wine and beer is a bit of a struggle. I hate that I struggle with it at all, it should be so easy to trust the God who saved my soul to provide 250 measly bottles of free wine. AH! I aggravate myself....

So life has been utterly insane lately. I have been staying busy, which is great but serves as a threat to my sanity b/c time management and discipline are not naturally strong traits of mine. I try to stay organized, but man it does not come easily! I am looking to move to Portland, but on the amount of money I make it is extremely difficult to find something. I want to live in a Christ following community and spend less then $350 total on rent. So ya...a bit hard. But God knows and I trust He will give that which seems impossible.

Work is a blessing, but I want to find new ways to push myself to improve and excel. I am not sure what that looks like just yet, but in time... It has been more and more beautiful to see God shape my heart and reveal the power of speaking and walking truth. Being able to walk along side woman as their lives are being changed by the healing and redeeming power of God is incredible and definineingly humbling.

I am committed to taking classes and going through exposing sessions to unveil my past issues, pains and resentments, to eliminate negative behavioral patterns and face a future more healthy then generations before me. So in that of course God is taking me through some rough stuff right now that's for sure. Feeling the loss, pain, rejection and loneliness of not having a Father is new and pretty shocking to be honest. I thought I was way OK with my dad leaving. But as a 25 year old woman I need my dad more then ever before. I think a father is key in validating a girls very existence. There is something that doesn't click right when that God intended component is missing. I am learning so much about myself and the drive I have for emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health. It is worth going through the fire to continue the refining. I long to be nothing less the woman God created me to be.

I love that God is tender and loving and kind...what other gods have those characteristics...it is pure beauty and freedom to be HIS, and I long daily to be with Him. I say "COME LORD JESUS, COME!"

My heart aches for the brokenness in my family...my heart doesn't understand why anyone would choose to be out of relationship with our God given companions. Honestly it is a deep pain that causes much inner discord within my soul... Family is everywhere in scripture, in fact it is considered the highest of all created institutions, we are told as believers strangers are made family members and that when we choose Christ we are now HIS family. If in fact family is menial and not to be highly honored and revered, sacred even, then why does the Bible speak of it from Genesis to Revelation...

Sometimes I am angry...but mostly I am hurt. Why don't those that I love so desperately love me in return?