Each day is unlike any other,
knowing not what it holds
I press into what I know.

You, O Lord, are where my hope comes from,
in You alone
will I find peace and strength.

All around me I see tears
and putrid masks of mucus,
lies to hide the pain.
Where is your beauty
in the ugliness of deceit?

But Your words are the truth
and in them I surrender my angst.
You, O Lord hold the world
and each of its inhabitants in your hands.

Draw near to me God,
for who am I that one more day
should add to my years?
I am fatherless
and attending,
in disgraceful moments
the masquerade.

I cast myself broken before you
and you draw near to bind my wounded heart and crushed spirit.

I know not my future,
not even what my next moment holds.
I cling instead to You, Holy Spirit
and know, O God that...
I...
know...
You.

Praise and glory to the maker of the stars,
worship to the creator of my heart.
one day I will dance dithyrambicly in your presence
and be consumed by the power
of your love.

Indeed my God you are steadfast and true.
I will seek you by day and by night,
until my body is stilled and my soul released.

New Year and Prom

2008 has began! whewww crazy to think my 10 year high school reunion will be in only 2 years! I am officially 26 years old. Man life is off to one heck of a start this year. The job is incredible, it has stretched me and been a part of working some intense spiritual transformation within me. I have found a sister and kindred soul by working side by side with one of the most amazing women I have known. The women I work with are a gift to my life and I can't imagine being without this experience. I don't know how long the Lord will keep me there, but every day I stay is a treasure.
I was able to enjoy a truly delightful event with a dear friend of mine, and indeed we threw one heck of a party: Winter Wonderland Prom 2008! Here are some photos from the event:

my naked heart

My hair is still coming out in alarming amounts and continues to become thinner and thinner. I praise the Lord so much that it's curly so it is easy to hide to the common eye. I offer every clump to the Lord and thank Him for the hair that is still left, but I am at a hard point right now...not knowing what's wrong with me. I try to keep busy b/c when I sit or slow down the fatigue is overwhelming. My body is clinging to the extra weight and no matter how perfect my diet is it won't let go. Surges and cramps of pain are an every present feeling in my muscles. My skin continues to produce patches of breakouts...honestly, I am not much better, not really improving.

I have decided that I can't afford this physician any longer due to the lack of improvement. It feels like yet another disappointment and hopeless attempt to gain some headway. Really I am simply in the heart of trying to accept that I am not normal and may never be, and without any reasons or answers.

I don't have the time or space to grieve the reality that I am a "sick" person. I hate hate being associated with that group...and have lived in denial for so long.

My heart is so grateful for this gift of affliction that draws me to my savior daily. I live in gratitude but there is also the side of pain, sadness, fear, loss...grief.

I am in the process of seeking reconciliation of who I am if I never get better, and perhaps even get worse. It is something that brings some of the deepest fear I have ever faced...

I pray that I would rejoice in the Lord and somehow accept what it is I am suppose to, and to know God's heart for me in this. That I would not ever make health or the desire for restoration an idol but to be wholly joyful in Christ no matter what my today and tomorrow may hold. As a song says, "I will praise Him in the storm" and another "every blessing I'll turn back to praise, when the darkness sets in still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be His name..."

some recent photos

I enjoyed an evening in community this night, where the Lord spoke to my heart. He beckoned me to come drink of the living water not of this world, to see more then my own image and to grab a hold of Him.

I am given random tiny glimpses of some sort of work being done in my life, in my heart. I am not allowed to see anything distinct or much of a picture to make sense of, only the tiniest portion, enough to excite and draw me nearer to Jesus. Will I trust and step out more and more, believing that even if my worst earthly fears come to be, that my God is near and in control and it...is...good. Will I cling to Him alone and not to any other thought, passion, desire, person, idea or possession that threatens to reside as number one in my heart? Is He alone enough? If so will I prove that with my life?

Not by my power but by His strength be the glory. He will complete the good work in which He has begun in me. I will walk, one foot in front of the other and grasp tightly to the tender mighty hand of my Father as He leads the direction of my steps. Walk... yes I will walk.

A relationship of great heartache

It feels like a level of betrayal by my body. After the delightful explosions of flavor leave my pleasure pallet my system signals disapproval. How can that be the case with so many God created forms of sustenance? Shouldn't it be over after 25 years...hasn't my body realized it has been wrong to reject these pleasures, these gifts? Why must I love food so much and be denied the freedom of experiencing joy with these libations and victuals. My relationship with food is tumultuous at best these days. Argh, one day I will be able to dance and play freely in the wonder that is food. Can't wait to get to Heaven to eat, drink and be merry.

check out this link, craye-hey-Zaye....

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.costaricacoffeeart.com/images/coffee_art_gallery.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.costaricacoffeeart.com/&h=400&w=518&sz=26&hl=en&start=16&sig2=vk1uhydtJIyQO3vNGvoqDA&um=1&tbnid=pt7C2Ls3xoEYsM:&tbnh=101&tbnw=131&ei=pUcnR_LtKqH-gQPc_pGyCA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dcoffee%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rls%3Dcom.microsoft:en-us%26sa%3DG

Today the sun is soft peeking its head from behind the neighborhood on Halsey street. It wispers encouragement to my soul, calling me to relationship with beauty and peace. Today belongs the the author of creativity.