Torture. Self punishment... that has been my last few weeks. I hate it. Yet I stand and look, as if a by stander...I observe the cruelty I am dishing to myself.

Knowing not a soul reads my words here, allows me the freedom to write tonight.

The self hate, loathing and disgust have cloaked me...for a long while. It is true...what I am doing for the time is tormenting myself in a sick way. how closed minded, small minded...selfish. all in all don't i deserve it? Yet starting the First of the new sci-fi age 2011 i am giving and believing in me...more than i have in too long.

i'm scared. i know myself best as failure. to succeed? what is that...? maybe one day i will know. for now...i will sleep.

------surrendering to the elements...------

It hurts

It seems I will never know why people become special to me. And rarely if ever am I so special to another. I feel disposable. Yet, in spite of the pain, I have to be who I know I have been made to be. So I will love, care and speak to each... no matter the voided return...