my naked heart

My hair is still coming out in alarming amounts and continues to become thinner and thinner. I praise the Lord so much that it's curly so it is easy to hide to the common eye. I offer every clump to the Lord and thank Him for the hair that is still left, but I am at a hard point right now...not knowing what's wrong with me. I try to keep busy b/c when I sit or slow down the fatigue is overwhelming. My body is clinging to the extra weight and no matter how perfect my diet is it won't let go. Surges and cramps of pain are an every present feeling in my muscles. My skin continues to produce patches of breakouts...honestly, I am not much better, not really improving.

I have decided that I can't afford this physician any longer due to the lack of improvement. It feels like yet another disappointment and hopeless attempt to gain some headway. Really I am simply in the heart of trying to accept that I am not normal and may never be, and without any reasons or answers.

I don't have the time or space to grieve the reality that I am a "sick" person. I hate hate being associated with that group...and have lived in denial for so long.

My heart is so grateful for this gift of affliction that draws me to my savior daily. I live in gratitude but there is also the side of pain, sadness, fear, loss...grief.

I am in the process of seeking reconciliation of who I am if I never get better, and perhaps even get worse. It is something that brings some of the deepest fear I have ever faced...

I pray that I would rejoice in the Lord and somehow accept what it is I am suppose to, and to know God's heart for me in this. That I would not ever make health or the desire for restoration an idol but to be wholly joyful in Christ no matter what my today and tomorrow may hold. As a song says, "I will praise Him in the storm" and another "every blessing I'll turn back to praise, when the darkness sets in still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be His name..."

some recent photos

I enjoyed an evening in community this night, where the Lord spoke to my heart. He beckoned me to come drink of the living water not of this world, to see more then my own image and to grab a hold of Him.

I am given random tiny glimpses of some sort of work being done in my life, in my heart. I am not allowed to see anything distinct or much of a picture to make sense of, only the tiniest portion, enough to excite and draw me nearer to Jesus. Will I trust and step out more and more, believing that even if my worst earthly fears come to be, that my God is near and in control and it...is...good. Will I cling to Him alone and not to any other thought, passion, desire, person, idea or possession that threatens to reside as number one in my heart? Is He alone enough? If so will I prove that with my life?

Not by my power but by His strength be the glory. He will complete the good work in which He has begun in me. I will walk, one foot in front of the other and grasp tightly to the tender mighty hand of my Father as He leads the direction of my steps. Walk... yes I will walk.