Some pictures...

My 25th birthday breakfest w/ Charis and Ricky.
At the Blue Monk Jazz bar for my 25th!
Later that night at Fernando's salsa club. My amazing pretend little brother who is Saudi Arabian! Abdullah

This is Shafi another Arab friend, he attempted to teach me arabic, oh man...lol, it didn't go well.

nowuh days

Well life has taken massive turns and the Lord has lead me to new places in heart, mind, spirit and body. I am now working!!! Praise the Lord! I work at Shepherds Door, which is the women and children's arm of the Portland Rescue Mission. I am on the pastoral care team. My job is building relationships w/ the women and speaking into their lives while walking with them in their program. After being there I have realized that it is a sort of starting position, and I would like to move up and out of it eventually, according to God's plan alone of course. It is a year live in recovery/transformation program for homeless women coming out of drug and alcohol addictions. It is humbling to be apart of the work that God is doing there. There is a level of intensity and is heavily emotional right now though, causing my body much tiredness. They have me taking classes that rip open my past, heart and character defects. So that has been laden w/ much heartache, but rich fruit as well.

My most thankful transition is the one that has taken place within my heart. God has been kindly and gently bringing my gaze to Him, putting the joy of belonging to Him in my heart. I dance w/ gratitude and delight before my Father. It has been incredible, to feel and see the difference of continual pursuit of His ripe truth and the passion of His heart is penatrating to the core of my very being. Finding myself lost in the heart of God changes knowing ABOUT God to simply and beautifully KNOWING God. There is a HUGE difference! Daily my desire is to be in conversation and communion w/ Him, talking to Jesus is the object of my affections. Yesterday I read Psalm 125:2 which says "As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so God surrounds you, from this day forth and forevermore." that's me, I am the "forevermore"! Man, the Word of God lights my heart...my life, it is wondrous and transforming. My spirit sings as I read the truths and autobiography of my creator.

I am for the first time realizing and confronting the hole in my heart that being fatherless has left. It is painful and vulnerable. But God is really taking me through this intentionally and He continues to talk me through it. It has been a gift so far and I know it will continue to reveal more as time goes on. Addressing these things is a passion of mine. The mind, body, spirit health is vital for growth in my opinion. So as rough as this is, the beauty is limitless, fertile continual sprouting of wild and lush greenery will only spread wildly as I release all things to the working out and healing of Christ.

I suppose that is all for the time being. I really do hope to become more regular w/ this thing...all in time, I guess.

Old about me section

I feel behind. I don't have much of an idea or vision for a life career choice, and have had to stop school and work due to health problems, putting me even futher behind (according to my great reasoning of course ;) ). However I say all this because according to my values I believe that each moment and experience is given by the grace and soveriegnty of God and it's richness and beauty is not to be missed. So my current quest is to keep eye contact w/ my Heavenly Father so that I am fully engaged in our relationship. If my eyes are centered in His they are not on me. There in the comfort of His eye contact, is peace, grace, unconditional love, freedom.
I want to live boldly, passionately, richly, righteoussly...by God's grace it will be true of me some day.
My life has been radically blessed, w/ a plethera of incredible memories, dynamic and unique people, glorious stories shared back and forth, a wealth of investment most definately given to me through those who have come and gone...and those who have stayed.
Thank you Jesus for your gift of Eternal life, it is my breath, there is no me w/out You. Make me love You more each day.

Catch up time

When I started this thing I was all about keeping up on it, but I totally forgot about it! Man that is just like me.

For a bit of a catch up, I am currently working for my Uncle as his office assistant. This came at the perfect time. I needed some cash flow w/ flexibility and this job has provided just that. Although the money is very little it is at least some money! It was also really neat to me that this came along b/c I have been in prayer for my Uncle Kevin for many many years. He is an abusive alcoholic that is full of hate, bitterness and anger. He unleashes the evil of his heart everyday on those nearest to my heart. I have cried and prayed for years that God would redeem this household and take it for Himself.

I believe that the Holy Spirit lives w/in every Christ follower, so according to the Word of God light is within us. I am humbled and excited to be the only light in the darkness of that place. The office/shop teams w/ those captured by the world. It is indeed a dark place, but that is where God shines the brightest! He saves those who are sick not those who are "moral and upstanding" need Him, He goes for the least and most unlikely. How incredibly gracious! I pray truth and light would capture the hearts of every man that comes in and out of that place. I know God is working, and I trust that no matter if I am able to see it or not, it simply is fact.
New on the horizon is a new health practitioner. He does Nutrition Response Testing. My program has me off of ALL grains, ALL forms of sugars(including fruit), soy and corn. I am able to eat only organic meat, dairy and veggies. It has been trying! Even with me being the health nut that I am! But this is my last effort to find help. If this doesn't resolve my health problems, I will submit that it is God's purpose and plan to keep me ill for His glory and my good. This time has caused me to crawl into the heart of God and beg for Him to take over my heart conforming it to His. So many things which I found as part of my identity are taken away, thus leaving me to truly see the treasure of Christ as the object of all my affections. It is challenging me to dig into the truth and wear it as my true identity. I am a daughter of the most High, I am created and bought by the Son, I am free of sin and death, I am alive in Christ, I am righteous according to the life and death of Jesus, I am an heir, I am a servant, I am a new creation...putting on the promises of God. It is still a process and forever will be. However the beauty is that I above all else am in love w/ God, and want ONLY His heart!!! If struggling, being in pain, having a life that is the furthest from what I planned, gets me closer to His heart...I AM ALL ABOUT IT!
That is a bit of me right now. I'll try to be better at posting, lol...I don't even know if anyone reads this, but oh well. It's a good outlet non-the less

My random attempt at poetry

Purposing to be
a distinct
and ever evolving
me.
I fight to free the chains of my first Adam legacy
that attempts to enslave this blooming flower of complexity.
Debris from my iniquities
whirlwind around me,
threatening my sanity.
I prepare to wage war
on the desires of my flesh
which surface;
Consistent,
Suffocating.
Their evil intentions to devour my spirit
eat unremittingly.
Adam scoffs at the New Man,
defaming His imputed character of perfection.
But as I purpose to be
…I stage an intentional reality,
a reminder of truth.
An internal alarm signals
giving warning
of the intensity of the battle
each morning I wake.
I face the war with determination
to rest in imputed righteousness.
Growth teases me with its fertile quintessence,
fueling my willpower for achievement.
I hunger for change and transformation.
Glimpses of my potential
send glitters of illumination
dancing like the reflection of candle light,
on the mirror inside my head.
What I see has arrived
if only I grasp and keep
its radiance of certainty.

So very good to be loved

I love how God shows His love in undeniably profound ways that take me by total surprise. It may sound simple and not profound at all to most, but that's part of the beauty, its so intimate and personal the reality of how much the love of Christ really IS personal and intimate is revealed to just me. It was as basic as finding myself sitting in the Urban Grind as Ron Frost began his 8 week class on the relational reading of the Bible...and then the abundance of God speaking to my heart thundered as if I were in a small raft beneath Niagara Falls. My insides come alive when I am learning about Christ, hearing truth and engaging my heart, mind and spirit toward the understanding of this ginormous, unfathomable amazing and loving God that I belong to. I am so excited to embark on this new adventure of growth. I know He is changing me and tonight I got a taste of that hope for something tangible.

I also am so glad b/c I am seeing God consistently spare me heartache with males. After my long relationship was over, I really engaged in my reality and allowed myself to feel all that I had to in order to heal. God was so present and faithful through that time and He continues that Fatherly care for me in prevention of any relationships that are not intended by Him, even when they are tempting and I long for them as a weak woman so desirous of love. I heard a report from my cousin about a guy that was tempting to me for a while and it was such deep conformation that choosing to fight toward the love of Christ really is the greatest, most fulfilling and romantic love and it will carry me. Some days are really hard, most are not too bad, but it sits deep as a reality that I come from a family of single or poorly loved women. I know that God is taking my fears though...I am holding on to the freedom of His promises and to His hands that hold my tender and frail heart. It is so good to be loved by Jesus.

My first post...

I am new to this. We'll see how it goes, aye?
Life: April 10, 2007

Presently I must admit that I am a complete mess. My pastor might say a "beautiful mess" b/c we are all broken and that is a beautiful thing, for it is then Jesus is displayed in all His glory. I would normally agree, and perhaps I do, but it is a painful place. The honest truth is I feel like I am a never ending mess, always hurting from one thing or another, and maybe that's life when you live engaged in your reality. I attempt to be fully present and invested in my world, which makes it dramatically glorious and equally wretched in waves that are quite unpredictable. I am looking for a job, and trying to rack my brain to figure what career I could possibly envision myself in. Both are combating me w/ a blank empty stare down in which I am easily cowering to my defeat hoping they do not find victory. My grandmother is in a rehab center, not doing too well, with a list 3 and a half feet long, so I would rather not go into detail ;) sparing both me and you. My family seems to be struggling to love each other and stay invested in one another, each hurting and in deep trials. My mother is fighting for joy, and waking each morning to another exhausting day of self sacrifice to the care of others. My health is still in taunting disarray, no answers found. Money to bring much peace of mind is no where to be seen for any of us. I am 25 years old and feel as if I am having to learn who I am for the first time, thus making me feel excessively behind. I feel desperately alone most days, with hardly a friend to share my agony and joys with.
I disclose these generalities only to say to you it is exactly my perfect place to be. I am truly learning the joy of loving and being loved. Really, I am in a place that is beauty...I am being forced to look my Jesus in the eyes and re-engage the relationship I have looked away from. This painful state is one that will lead me to what I desire most, true intimacy with Jesus. It is the beginning...but my vision is starting to clear, and the pain starting to make sense...