Torture. Self punishment... that has been my last few weeks. I hate it. Yet I stand and look, as if a by stander...I observe the cruelty I am dishing to myself.

Knowing not a soul reads my words here, allows me the freedom to write tonight.

The self hate, loathing and disgust have cloaked me...for a long while. It is true...what I am doing for the time is tormenting myself in a sick way. how closed minded, small minded...selfish. all in all don't i deserve it? Yet starting the First of the new sci-fi age 2011 i am giving and believing in me...more than i have in too long.

i'm scared. i know myself best as failure. to succeed? what is that...? maybe one day i will know. for now...i will sleep.

------surrendering to the elements...------

It hurts

It seems I will never know why people become special to me. And rarely if ever am I so special to another. I feel disposable. Yet, in spite of the pain, I have to be who I know I have been made to be. So I will love, care and speak to each... no matter the voided return...

Twenty Ten is here. Officially 28 years old. Life in a new year! This one is full of questioning, sorting, seeking...healing...

The last few years have held deep love, severe loss, many tears, disappointed hope, lost dreams, new friendships and so much more. I'm looking ahead to what these next days and seasons have in store. One day at a time, a conversation at a time, the next right thing... simplifying in mind, body and spirit. My hope is to center, breathe and move forward.

Kicking off this year with a trip to Belize was a perfect reminder and reviver of my passion and the bare bones of what enlivens my senses. With dreams and memories I am clothed with what I need to continue sorting myself and life out. And for now, thats what I am doing...sorting.

in lincoln city...wish i had captured more.

"Almost Lover"

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy for you

To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

Three passions have governed my life: The longings for love, the search for knowledge, And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind]. Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. In the union of love I have seen In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined. With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. I have wished to know why the stars shine. Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, But always pity brought me back to earth; Cries of pain reverberated in my heart Of children in famine, of victims tortured And of old people left helpless. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, And I too suffer. This has been my life; I found it worth living.

Bertrand Russell: adapted

Lyrics to Redemption :

The darker the night the brighter the day

the fiercer the fight the stronger the faith

so i place my hope in You

the deeper the sin

the stronger the blood

the more to forgive

the more reason to love

so i place my trust in You

in Your ways oh God

redemption is so much better than perfection

in Your ways oh God

over and over

You prove You're so faithful

over and over

You prove Yourself a redeemer

the darker the night

the brighter the day

the fiercer the fight

the stronger the faith

so i place my hope in You

in Your ways oh God

redemption is so much better than perfection

in Your ways oh God

redemption is so much better than perfection

in Your ways oh God

over and over

You prove You're so faithful

over and over

You prove Yourself a redeemer

in Your ways i have

redemption

so much better than perfection

so i place all my hope in You

Lyrics to Trust:

It's the sweetest thing

to trust you

just to know

You got everything under control

it's the sweetest thing

to trust you

just to know

You got everything

and You are making me a mountain

making me a mountain

that cannot be shaken

well You are making me a mountain

making me a mountain

that cannot be moved

high up on a rock

looking out at the horizon

watching as the storm rolls in

wondering if my heart will survive it

as the waves crash all around me

and can't remember what it feels like to be free

i know You're making me a mountain

making me a mountain

that cannot be shaken

oh You are making me a mountain

making me a mountain

that cannot be moved

You say, I've got you my baby

I've got you

it's quite the mess you're in

but it's nothing Love can't fix

so sit here upon my shoulders

and watch as it all unwinds

You are making me a mountain

making me a mountain

that cannot be shaken

i know You're making me a mountain

making me a mountainthat cannot be moved

briefly...

Man it has certainly been a long time since I have reported here. The months seem to have flown by. Life feels like a busy whirlwind, or an engulfing swell of an ocean wave. I am tired.

I have been in an actual dating relationship for about 6months. It has been so many things all in such a short amount of time. Life all together is a bit messy including working this thing out. Sometimes I get mad that my dad isn't here, it is times w/ men that make me acutely aware of my fatherlessness. There is no doubt that God has stepped in and more then compensated, but truly I long to have a familiar man to whom I feel loved and known by to rest my head upon his physical shoulder and be his little girl. Yet those moments are few and for the most part I am able to rest my soul upon the shoulder of peace and leadership that my heavenly Father extends daily.

I like much about this man-boy. He is kind, and thoughtful. He is lovely to my eyes and strong. He loves people especially the poor and homeless. He tries. He feels conviction and generally responds. We enjoy nearly all the same activities and he is willing to go outside of his comfort zone often.

But we have many of the same weaknesses which makes it hard to strengthen each other. Healthy communication has never been more difficult. We both have hurts and hangups that we are mending through. He's fairly new on his committed walk w/ Jesus and that adds another interesting element.

I want to know how people just "know"...when it's the person to marry.

I am ending a shift at work and the morning is now beginning so I have to cut this short. But I hope to come back soon.

Each day is unlike any other,
knowing not what it holds
I press into what I know.

You, O Lord, are where my hope comes from,
in You alone
will I find peace and strength.

All around me I see tears
and putrid masks of mucus,
lies to hide the pain.
Where is your beauty
in the ugliness of deceit?

But Your words are the truth
and in them I surrender my angst.
You, O Lord hold the world
and each of its inhabitants in your hands.

Draw near to me God,
for who am I that one more day
should add to my years?
I am fatherless
and attending,
in disgraceful moments
the masquerade.

I cast myself broken before you
and you draw near to bind my wounded heart and crushed spirit.

I know not my future,
not even what my next moment holds.
I cling instead to You, Holy Spirit
and know, O God that...
I...
know...
You.

Praise and glory to the maker of the stars,
worship to the creator of my heart.
one day I will dance dithyrambicly in your presence
and be consumed by the power
of your love.

Indeed my God you are steadfast and true.
I will seek you by day and by night,
until my body is stilled and my soul released.

New Year and Prom

2008 has began! whewww crazy to think my 10 year high school reunion will be in only 2 years! I am officially 26 years old. Man life is off to one heck of a start this year. The job is incredible, it has stretched me and been a part of working some intense spiritual transformation within me. I have found a sister and kindred soul by working side by side with one of the most amazing women I have known. The women I work with are a gift to my life and I can't imagine being without this experience. I don't know how long the Lord will keep me there, but every day I stay is a treasure.
I was able to enjoy a truly delightful event with a dear friend of mine, and indeed we threw one heck of a party: Winter Wonderland Prom 2008! Here are some photos from the event:

my naked heart

My hair is still coming out in alarming amounts and continues to become thinner and thinner. I praise the Lord so much that it's curly so it is easy to hide to the common eye. I offer every clump to the Lord and thank Him for the hair that is still left, but I am at a hard point right now...not knowing what's wrong with me. I try to keep busy b/c when I sit or slow down the fatigue is overwhelming. My body is clinging to the extra weight and no matter how perfect my diet is it won't let go. Surges and cramps of pain are an every present feeling in my muscles. My skin continues to produce patches of breakouts...honestly, I am not much better, not really improving.

I have decided that I can't afford this physician any longer due to the lack of improvement. It feels like yet another disappointment and hopeless attempt to gain some headway. Really I am simply in the heart of trying to accept that I am not normal and may never be, and without any reasons or answers.

I don't have the time or space to grieve the reality that I am a "sick" person. I hate hate being associated with that group...and have lived in denial for so long.

My heart is so grateful for this gift of affliction that draws me to my savior daily. I live in gratitude but there is also the side of pain, sadness, fear, loss...grief.

I am in the process of seeking reconciliation of who I am if I never get better, and perhaps even get worse. It is something that brings some of the deepest fear I have ever faced...

I pray that I would rejoice in the Lord and somehow accept what it is I am suppose to, and to know God's heart for me in this. That I would not ever make health or the desire for restoration an idol but to be wholly joyful in Christ no matter what my today and tomorrow may hold. As a song says, "I will praise Him in the storm" and another "every blessing I'll turn back to praise, when the darkness sets in still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be His name..."

some recent photos

I enjoyed an evening in community this night, where the Lord spoke to my heart. He beckoned me to come drink of the living water not of this world, to see more then my own image and to grab a hold of Him.

I am given random tiny glimpses of some sort of work being done in my life, in my heart. I am not allowed to see anything distinct or much of a picture to make sense of, only the tiniest portion, enough to excite and draw me nearer to Jesus. Will I trust and step out more and more, believing that even if my worst earthly fears come to be, that my God is near and in control and it...is...good. Will I cling to Him alone and not to any other thought, passion, desire, person, idea or possession that threatens to reside as number one in my heart? Is He alone enough? If so will I prove that with my life?

Not by my power but by His strength be the glory. He will complete the good work in which He has begun in me. I will walk, one foot in front of the other and grasp tightly to the tender mighty hand of my Father as He leads the direction of my steps. Walk... yes I will walk.

A relationship of great heartache

It feels like a level of betrayal by my body. After the delightful explosions of flavor leave my pleasure pallet my system signals disapproval. How can that be the case with so many God created forms of sustenance? Shouldn't it be over after 25 years...hasn't my body realized it has been wrong to reject these pleasures, these gifts? Why must I love food so much and be denied the freedom of experiencing joy with these libations and victuals. My relationship with food is tumultuous at best these days. Argh, one day I will be able to dance and play freely in the wonder that is food. Can't wait to get to Heaven to eat, drink and be merry.

check out this link, craye-hey-Zaye....

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.costaricacoffeeart.com/images/coffee_art_gallery.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.costaricacoffeeart.com/&h=400&w=518&sz=26&hl=en&start=16&sig2=vk1uhydtJIyQO3vNGvoqDA&um=1&tbnid=pt7C2Ls3xoEYsM:&tbnh=101&tbnw=131&ei=pUcnR_LtKqH-gQPc_pGyCA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dcoffee%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rls%3Dcom.microsoft:en-us%26sa%3DG

Today the sun is soft peeking its head from behind the neighborhood on Halsey street. It wispers encouragement to my soul, calling me to relationship with beauty and peace. Today belongs the the author of creativity.

Outside of my box

I put God in a tiny area of my mind...His space is too small there. Tonight He showed me a tiny picture of how my box for Him isn't big enough.

I am a skeptic. For God to speak in big uncontrollable ways such as the dangerous and oh-so charismatic "prophecy"...well I highly shy away from believing most claims to having this spiritual gift are valid. However there is a daily email I get at work titled "Spirit of Prophecy" of which I rarely look at to be honest, yet it is usually rather safe not claiming any radical details of prophetic knowledge or foretelling of blind left eyes being healed and such. But tonight I did. For whatever reason I payed attention and the words I read from the week were too much for me to deny...they were direct messages from God in a series so specific and intimate. So I have posted them (who knows they may be for you too).

These words are the sustenance my soul needed. He is always near...my Jesus is always near me. I scarce can imagine if He were not, and because of His great mercy I do not have to.

As far as this relates to informing you of my life...these are the words I needed to hear from God and He spoke... outside of my box.

October 8, 2007:

You have heard it said, My people, that crisis will bring you into divine order, and I say to you that this is truth. When you are in the fire, My glory shall come forth. Have you not heard of the fourth man in the fire? Even in these days I visit you in the fires of tribulation and in the trials of your life. I am bringing you to a place you have never been before, a place beyond where you have ascended to. I am bringing you to a place of glory in My Kingdom, which has yet to be visited by your generation. And, I remind you that you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood. So come without hesitation, and allow the fire to burn, for surely it shall consume the works of the flesh, and what will be left is your spirit shining brightly in the Kingdom of God, doing exploits in His name. These indeed are your best days yet. Arise, and shake off every hindrance. Come before Me in faith,and we will walk together in victory, says the Lord.

October 8, 2007:

Be strong, beloved, and refuse to allow the enemy to single you out and whisper in your ear of your failures and shortcomings. The attack against you will come with singular intensity to make you feel like you are the only one "not getting it."It is designed to paralyze you with condemnation so that you can't hear My voice or the voice of encouragement from those around you. Rise up and shut the door to the accuser of the brethren by not receiving the devil's lies. You can choose to only receive the truth of My word, says the Lord, which will usher you into the realm of supernatural victory. John 8:44b " He (the devil) was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it."

October 9, 2007:

Expect to be stretched as your encounters take you beyond the ordinary. You will need to exercise patience in every situation in order to avoid frustration. I am going to shine a light on attitudes, motives and hidden agendas, which will be valuable in making decisions and will in some instances cause you to make a course correction at this time. Your responses to challenges that you face will be extremely revealing and will be a stage for spiritual growth if you are willing to be honest with yourself. Take advantage of these opportunities to grow in discernment, says the Lord. Luke 21:19 "By your patience possess your souls."

October 10, 2007:

My beloved people, take time to put your issues of life into perspective. As long as you focus on your circumstances and feel like you have been victimized you are living life according to the flesh and not walking in the Spirit. And, that is not a good place to be. You are in training and being trained by the Spirit to exist in the Spirit realm. Refuse to allow the enemy to shift your focus from life in the Kingdom to life in the flesh. It is the difference between life and death, victory and defeat. Look up, says the Lord. Romans 8:5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.

October 11, 2007:

You are about to find out that what you thought would be a quick fix is actually a process. When your quick fix does not work, ask for wisdom and look for alternative ways to accomplish what you need to do. This is no time to give up or get discouraged. As you move through this process you will learn some things that will be very helpful in the days ahead. You will also come to the understanding that My ways are not your ways, and that your methods are inferior to Mine. Yield to this process and keep moving forward. The end will justify the means, says the Lord. Isaiah 55:9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts."

October 12, 2007:

Reflect, rejoice, and return to simple faith. Reawaken that child-like attitude towards Truth. Let My Word become to you again as the sharp sword that separates the soul and the spirit.Many of you, My people, have allowed the complexities of life to spoil your pure, unadulterated commitment to fulfill your destiny in My kingdom. Purpose once again to yield to the moving and working of My Spirit to manifest in, around, and through you without fanfare. Be done with attitudes that are unbecoming to a child of God, that bring disgrace to the Body of Christ. Be merciful, says the Lord. Matthew 5:7 Blessed are the merciful, For they shall obtain mercy.

I awoke too soon, hardly rested...the feeling of nausea and exhaustion my morning greetings. Pleas to my LORD to be my sustenance, strength and joy are my fuel for perseverance.

So how do I subscribe to ya'lls blogs? I think I need a Blogger tutorial...any takers?

He who lives without prayer, he who lives with little prayer, he who seldom reads the Word, and he who seldom looks up to heaven for a fresh influence from on high -he will be the man whose heart will become dry and barren.

-Charles Spurgeon