Torture. Self punishment... that has been my last few weeks. I hate it. Yet I stand and look, as if a by stander...I observe the cruelty I am dishing to myself.

Knowing not a soul reads my words here, allows me the freedom to write tonight.

The self hate, loathing and disgust have cloaked me...for a long while. It is true...what I am doing for the time is tormenting myself in a sick way. how closed minded, small minded...selfish. all in all don't i deserve it? Yet starting the First of the new sci-fi age 2011 i am giving and believing in me...more than i have in too long.

i'm scared. i know myself best as failure. to succeed? what is that...? maybe one day i will know. for now...i will sleep.

------surrendering to the elements...------

It hurts

It seems I will never know why people become special to me. And rarely if ever am I so special to another. I feel disposable. Yet, in spite of the pain, I have to be who I know I have been made to be. So I will love, care and speak to each... no matter the voided return...

Twenty Ten is here. Officially 28 years old. Life in a new year! This one is full of questioning, sorting, seeking...healing...

The last few years have held deep love, severe loss, many tears, disappointed hope, lost dreams, new friendships and so much more. I'm looking ahead to what these next days and seasons have in store. One day at a time, a conversation at a time, the next right thing... simplifying in mind, body and spirit. My hope is to center, breathe and move forward.

Kicking off this year with a trip to Belize was a perfect reminder and reviver of my passion and the bare bones of what enlivens my senses. With dreams and memories I am clothed with what I need to continue sorting myself and life out. And for now, thats what I am doing...sorting.

in lincoln city...wish i had captured more.

"Almost Lover"

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy for you

To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

Three passions have governed my life: The longings for love, the search for knowledge, And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind]. Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. In the union of love I have seen In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined. With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. I have wished to know why the stars shine. Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, But always pity brought me back to earth; Cries of pain reverberated in my heart Of children in famine, of victims tortured And of old people left helpless. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, And I too suffer. This has been my life; I found it worth living.

Bertrand Russell: adapted